Another something I've written.. Sorry.. Typed! :P
If only I had realised my mistake then I wouldn’t be doing
what I’m about to do. I’ve committed a great mistake and I’m so sorry! But it’s
too late. I’m helpless. I’ve no other choice.
We had been going out since college. She loved me and so did
I (or maybe not). That day we were really happy. We had been doing well in our
jobs and we had finally convinced our parents of our love. They had agreed and
we were engaged, soon to be married. We went out to celebrate our success both
in our careers and our personal lives. We went to a small restaurant which in
spite of the lousy ambience served great, tasty food. We spent time there
talking about how great everything turned out to be.
I sensed a little discomfort in her manner but I didn’t ask
her and she didn’t speak about it. Then I heard my phone ringing. I picked it
up and learnt that I had to immediately attend to an emergency in my office. I
told her I had to leave immediately. She seemed a little unhappy about it but
said that she would go home by public transport. I finished my food hurriedly
and left. I was so tired after I came home that I went straight to bed without even
bothering to ask if she had reached home safely.
After I woke up, my mother came running to tell me that she
was in the hospital. I was shocked and went immediately to the hospital along
with my parents. She was lying on the bed, weak and bruised. I wondered what
happened.
When I went to her parents they were crying hysterically.
They didn’t want to see me or talk to me. I left them to that and went home. My
mother later told me that she had been raped on her way home. She also said
”It’s a pity the poor thing didn’t die. Now who is going to marry her?” It then
suddenly struck me that I was the one supposed to marry her. I didn’t feel so
sure about that now.
People had been saying various things about her while she
was in the hospital. “How will a rape victim survive in this society?” “They
should have killed her. They’d have done her a favour.” People also came to my
house, when they came to know that we were engaged, telling my mother that it
was all God’s plan and this marriage was never meant to be. Whenever I passed
in a street, people gave me kind and sad looks. But then a few months later I
came to know that she had recovered and was going to be discharged that day. I
didn’t know what to do. I stayed at home.
In the afternoon, I heard our doorbell ring. I opened it to
find her in tears but happy. She fell on me and hugged me. “It was them who
were sitting beside us in the restaurant. Oh! It was horrible. I’m so glad I
didn’t die. All the time in the hospital I was thinking about you. My parents
kept telling me it’s all over, that you wouldn’t accept me anymore but I know
there’s more to our love than that. I told them that you are different and
would accept me even in my worst form. I still love you and know you do too.
Let’s get married.” I had grown stiff from shock and the hug. I sensed my
mother standing behind me. She was staring at her, not speaking a word. Many
thoughts were going on in my mind then. I didn’t expect her to still have hopes
of getting married. I thought for a moment and hesitantly said,”W-we can’t get
married.” On hearing my words her eyes went wide. I continued, “Our family is
prestigious. I don’t want anything to happen to that. People are talking bad
about you. I’m sorry but this is not meant to be.” She stood there for a
moment, dumbstruck. The words that then came out of her mouth were barely
audible. “I thought you were different.” she said. She left my house without
saying another word.
The next day I heard the news of her death from my mother.
“Suicide”, she said. Sensing my shock she said, “Don’t feel guilty for her
death. That’s how rape victims are supposed to be. They can never lead a normal
life again. It’s a good thing that happened. It’s not your fault.” This made me
feel a little better. I was still disturbed for a few days.
A few months later, I felt better. A year later, much to my
mother’s happiness I fell in love again. We got married and lived happily for
quite some time until one evening when I was taking my two year old son out for
a walk I saw her walking on the street. I immediately broke into a sweat and kept
staring at her. She went on walking without noticing me. Many possibilities
started springing up in my mind but I finally blamed it on my imagination and
went home. During dinner, my wife kept asking me what was wrong. I told her it
was nothing and kept telling myself the same. That night I saw her in my
dreams. She kept crying and I was standing doing nothing. I woke up suddenly to
realise I was sweating fiercely. I saw my wife beside me who was sleeping
soundly unaware of anything happening around her. I got up and went to a table
in the corner of my room to drink some water. Feeling much better I was
returning back to my bed when I saw something obstructing the way. It was her,
standing right in front of me with the same expression she had the last time I
saw her. I rubbed my eyes and opened them to see that she was gone, nowhere to
be seen. This time, I blamed it on the stress I was undergoing at my office
lately and thought that might be the reason why I was hallucinating. I couldn’t
go back to sleep. I kept tossing and turning on my bed. I wondered why I was
suddenly hallucinating about her after such a long time. I didn’t have a good
feeling about all this.
The alarm rang suddenly. It was 7AM. I was very late. I
might have fallen into a disturbed sleep the previous night. I looked at myself
in the mirror. My eyes had dark circles underneath and my face was all swollen
and puffy. I dressed up quickly and ran downstairs hoping my wife wouldn’t
notice my face. She didn’t notice me as she was engrossed watching the TV. I
went to what was so interesting and saw two pictures in the news. Those faces looked
familiar. I asked my wife what happened to them and she said they both died the
previous night under mysterious circumstances. The murderer was very clever and
didn’t leave a trace. The post mortem reports also couldn’t reveal the cause
for the deaths. Suddenly it struck me. They were the two people who were there
that day. The last day I went out with her. I was dumbstruck. I stared at the
screen for a few minutes and without looking at my wife’s face said I had to
leave soon and I was very late. I left home in a hurry.
From that day I’d no peace of mind. I kept seeing her everywhere.
The nights were the worst. I kept having the same nightmares over and over and
every dream had her in it. My wife started getting worried. She kept asking me what
was wrong. I always eluded her questions, found some way to not answer them. I somehow
didn’t want to share all this with her. The whole day her voice kept echoing in
my mind. Her last words to me. “I thought you were different”. My whole world
was falling apart.
I can’t take this
anymore. I hope my wife finds this. I hope she’ll understand and not hate me.
I AM NO DIFFERENT. I’m going to die!
